“Meng Choo, I think God is bigger than Christianity, and I am not exactly sure if I am following the right path anymore.” (paraphrased according to my own remembrance)



Every time just when I was “slacking” in my QT, trying to cut some corners for more sleep, I would be given some task that makes me feel so in need of God. Sometimes I don’t understand why; and I don’t even understand what God is putting me through in my job and in my own personal life. But 1 thing I know is that I need Him; and He has never failed me. (((: There is only so much I can do, so much experience I can share, but He alone is capable of handling all things; and making all things perfect in His time. ((: Glory to God!






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I was sitting down at Mcdonalds, telling a disciple my reason for faith and thankfulness just overwhelmed me. I was telling how; after so many years of finding; I was just unable to find this intimate item in Singapore; and how I often have to spend a lot of $$ on it just getting 1 that fits. And just after prayer, I found a store that sells it at an amazingly affordable price with the designs that I wanted; and it brought tears to my eyes that God cares even about the smallest of things that matters to us. It might be coincidental when it happens once or twice; but when such “co-incidents” happens at every stage of your life, not once, not twice, not thrice but many many times, you know that there is something greater out there who is answering your prayers. And indeed, dear Lord, You grant me the desires of my heart even more than what I know (:












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There is a lot of things happening around me now; my childhood friend got cancer and is in his terminal stage, a beloved teacher of mine and a church-mate just died, 2 people close to my heart has just left Singapore for good; my Dad has just been discharged from the hospital and is finishing His recovery stage..and the list goes on. A lot of these things are negative; and has been affecting my emotions a lot. I think I need time to settle down and think about it; time with God to understand the inner me. But I know in the midst of everything, God is with me; and that alone brings me the courage to stand in the midst of fear/discouragement and sadness. A verse in the bible says “and perseverance must finish its work; so that you will be complete and mature; not lacking anything.” I really really wanna hang in there (:





And hanging on is not what I should do- but I wanna enjoy every moment of it.. even my sorrows; as sorrows burns away shallowness, I pray that one day I’ll be able to stand before God with the maturity that He so desires in me. (:






‘Til the next post! ( Will update my blog more! ((: )



*1 Peter 1:6-7
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.*

thank you everyone who made my birthday special. (:

it's a special birthday beacuse of you! ((:



will update more when my fingers are less sore from typing! lol! ((:

The demise of Ms G..

and now the sudden death of Uncle Paul.


I'm in a strange daze of shock still.



Seems like the end of the world is really coming..

I didn't know that warmth can be felt in so many ways.
All so fleeting and sudden.
but the trail of love it leaves behind.. is so powerful and immerse and overwhelming that it can't be expressed in mere words.



The very pair of hands i used to hold when i was young.
The rough chapped hands that used to hold me tight by his side when i strayed..
is still so warm today.


As i held on to his hands in the hospital, feeling every bump and valley that comes with work and old age, I distinctly remembered that it's this very hands that held me during my mother's absence.
that it is this very pair of hands that wrapped me around him when i cried as a kid.
it was the very same pair of hands that prepared my fave dishes at mealtimes.

and it is the very same pair of hands that i am holding onto as my dad fought on for his dear life.



With his pained voice, he painstakingly instructed me regarding the household chores that are yet to be done. and as he chokes on his words and struggles to breathe, he keeps reminding me of my mother's love for me. " After all," he said, " you only have 1 mother, and you are to honour her."


I have never seen my Dad in this state. not even when his fingers were cut off during a work related accident. I have never seen him in such pain. in such agony. in such an undignified stage of sickness.


Like timed waterworks, my tears begin to fall uncontrollably. "Dad, i love you," I whispered. I could hardly make out what i was saying, or what i was doing for the entire stretch of time. All i wanted to do is to hold my Dad and tell him that He will be alright. that everything will be fine. that nothing, absolutely nothing, not even my waywardness, could separate me from him again.



The only thing i could feel was the warmth of his hands.




and as i held on and prayed.. a deep deep assurance came into my heart.. that my heavenly father would rescue the owner of these hands from the very recesses of death.








and in the very next day.. another experience of warmth.



as i was just confounded by the possibilities, 2 sisters rushed over to my side after Young adult cell.

"Why didn't you tell us?" The warmth and concern in their voice was apparent.
I couldn't bring myself to tell them about this auto reticent mode of mine that activates in times of trouble.
but before i could do anything, they hugged me and prayed with the very same warmth in their voices.
"Guard Meng Choo's dad," they prayed, "and let her know that whatever is important to her is important to You too."


We were all in tears by the time the prayer ended.
And in a still warm but shaky voice, Ps says, "you were there for me when my brother was hospitalised.. why didn't you let me be there for you?"



The warmth of their words and the warmth of their love enveloped my heart; I never knew such warmth from friends at these crucial times were so important til now.
it reminded me of God's graciousness.. and his love that will eventually brings about the victory we have in Him.




"those who hope in Him will never be disappointed" (isa 49:23), and i know that as i continue to hope in God, He will allow these warm and chapped hands to hold me for many many years to come. (:

i'm tired :(

tired of new responsiblities.tired of pressures at work. tired of hanging on when noone else is.
tired of myself and who i am.



haven't been blogging for very long. but i decided to blog just for a bit before i sleep tonight.


no matter how difficult everything is, it'll pass. (:

no matter how everything has been..tomorrow will be a better day. (:




i promise to blog more from today onwards (:


and be a joyful person who surrenders to my king.



Heb 12:11 *tot to sustain me*
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

“this.. is unacceptable work!”
“when are you going to stop asking stupid questions and rise up?”
“haiyo..how long are you going to take to grow?”


"I..I.. I.." I stammer as the trio started walking towards me with a menacing grin, holding my attention with a icy stare.



“Grace Tan.. you better perform!”


“no..no no…!”
I was rudely awaken from my nightmare by my ever reliable alarm clock and felt beads of sweat taper down my neck as I broke out into cold sweat.


A wave of confusing emotions rushed through me as I realized that it is going to be another day for work..another day where my nightmare will be played out in reality.
No, this is not another story about an office victim. Neither is it about the unfortunate wants-to-be-an-ordinary-girl-who-was-chosen-to-be-a-leader kinda ploy.

It’s about me and what my life revolves around. And this is a story of a conqueror who is still finding her bearings.








Despite the higher expectations,
The subtle but deathly office politics,
The endless insults aimed at wounding your deepest being,
God has made me a victor.



And this story shall be continued with a fairytale-like ending because He reigns even in my workplace (:













I don’t like working life. It’s more complicated than I thought. Far more eeeeeek than I want it to be.


I don’t wanna smile at people that are always plotting and scheming behind your back.
I don’t want to handle high profile clients who treat you like their slaves because they can afford to pay.
I don’t want to interview candidates who insult and bully you at every opportunity that they get.


I know my boss is right. there really are bad people in this world.. and I have just seen some of them.







At the frustration of all these thoughts, and an innate lack of ability to concentrate during my piano class today (which again resulted in more uncalled for frustration), I just felt like throwing up my arms in surrender.








There is something more than the frustration and the circumstances though. Something deeper within that is wearying me out. Something that I couldn’t quite put my finger at.

But it has to do with an innate disappointment at the source of my self-esteem. At my very own inability to stay unwavering despite the circumstances. At the exposure of a lot of my weakness at times when I am unprepared for it. Or rather, an inability to display the inherent strengths that I know I possess because I allowed internal emotive interference to hinder that display.


For one, I didn’t know that I used incomprehensible words to the plebeian; these words were just part of my vocabulary.
For another, I don’t even know why inherent strengths could end up being weaknesses at a snap of a finger or at a twist in the group dynamics.
These things are just too cheem for me.




As akin to a slow motion film, just in the small gap of time between my procession of all these thoughts and my confession of my defeat; a superman like bolt came into my mind. Hebrews 12:11, today’s memory verse, which reads “For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God], rushed in, filling me with another renewed perspective again.





It’s not time to get soft.
I’ve to fight on.
I’m going to forget everything and start over.

I know tomorrow, albeit tough, will be another new beginning

And another step towards victory. =D




P/S: To those who encouraged me, it really meant a lot (: thank you so much (:

I'm feeling defeated.. :(


someone please please encourage me to hang on. :((




i need to stop being reticent.. and start opening my heart.